I Don't Want To Move On!!!

It has been very difficult since my mom passed away almost a year ago, come March 12. We are all having to go about our days. We try to make since of the fact that there is a person missing from our lives. Every morning I wake up and I take a deep breath, I blow out all my air hoping that the pit in my stomach will go away, if I just breath deep enough maybe it will leave?..... it doesn't work. Everyday for almost a year I have felt crazy, I am running around with no direction, I am searching, searching for someone, something a feeling a spiritual experience to make all of this feel better.... I am still looking, there really isn't much that makes it feel better. People say that with time it will feel better, they say "I know you don't want to hear this but it really does get better with time." My family is having to pull up our boot straps and try to move on past the things that are so vivid in our minds about our mom and wife. I keep taking care of my children and husband, doing laundry, changing diapers, doing dishes, fixing dinner. I want to throw everything down and run. It feels like this would help, to run away from my responsibilities, I have a brain though and know that this would only make things worse and I think that my children and Ben are the only reason I'm still sain really.

So in the spirit of moving on my Dad is getting married in a week. This is so hard to think about, and know that my Dad unfortunately has to move on for his own well-being. Its one of those things that must be. I wish my mom hadn't passed away and that all these events had not been set into motion but she did. In trying to pick up the peices and "pull up our boot straps" My brave dad is moving on. What an amazing man, he has done so well in picking up the pieces of his devistated life. He is still very sad and cries often to me, of the pain he feels. He knows that getting married is the right thing to do. He has found a lady in st. george names Teressa, she is nice and cares for people, it will take time but in time I hope we can be good friends.

We all have to do things that are hard....... I pray daily, I'm trying to feel the peaceful feelings of the holy spirit. The Lord is on my side and I know that I don't have to pull up my boot straps alone he is there ever so quietly helping me and guiding me.

Growing up to fast!!!

She is almost 7 months old!! I can't believe it, it makes me sad I wish I could keep her a little baby forever. She is sitting up perfectly, she is trying to crawl I think she will have it down in a few weeks. (sigh)
Couldn't you just suck her face off, she is just too cute!!
Her new sunday dress, she is so excited, truely my little girl!!
Oh and she is so serious sometimes. She will stare at people, try to figure them out. She tries to figure out what everyone in doing. She is just my little doll baby. I love you Brynlee!!

New Years Eve 2007

We had a wonderful New Years Eve party at Tara's house. We had good food and lots of fun.
We had a ping pong tournament, Guess who won. Yes that is right the best of the best..... Me and Ben kicked everyone's trash! There was tons of laughter and fun we all played catch phrase and balderdash. I made up a good one about this man making the biggest ball of cheese! Ha fun fun
It was hard bringing in the new year, its saying goodbye to a year that my mom was here on the earth. Welcoming 2008 a year of moving on. I miss her she would have been in this picture with us. I don't want to move on but I need to and have to, the pain will hopefully dull with time.
I hope that good things come for all of us in 2008!!

Merry Christmas to us!!

Here is Ben (I mean Santa) with Blake and Caden. We went caroling to houses on Christmas eve with Santa. It was fun to see all the kids faces.
My sista crew, they are so beautiful, I love them so much!!! We have been through the wringer together, but together we will make it.
Brynlee's first Christmas, we enjoyed having her with us it made our Christmas a little brighter. We had our sweet angel baby with us. The Boys absolutely adore her!!
My precious Blake is helping Brynlee open her present. She thought the wrapping paper was a great addition to her breakfast, yum yum!!
There is Santa, he had a busy night ahead of him he soon left after this picture was taken to dash off to the roof top to mount his sleigh and deliver all those wonderful presents to all the good boys and girls. Mrs Santa was also up late getting ready for the special day.

FUN FUN FUN

We went on yet another trip, to play and have fun. I think I'm definately avoiding all of my feelings and trying to play my pain away. It seems to be working for the mean time. So we went to Las Vegas and went to see Seinfeld. It was HILLARIOUSSS....
Ben's sexy face, Leigh-Anne and Joe
My big man, I've lost a few pounds so thank goodness he can pick me up. whoow
Ben is being a tiger, raarr, and I'm like "Ohh please don't eat me."
We had a wonderful time. I was glad to get away and escape if only for one weekend. I guess i'll stay home for a little while now. Face some of the thoughts and hard feelings that go along with grieving for a loved one. I think escaping from time to time is healthy.

Its all a bad dream

On Monday morning as I went into my kids room, I looked over my shoulder as I usually do to make sure the snakes, that Ben thinks need to be in the boys rooms are still there. I have always feared the idea of them escaping into the house. How horrible that would be ahhhh.

So I glanced over my shoulder and did a double take, the snake that is normally hanging on this big log in the cage isn't there. So I stepped back and took of the top of the cage, I moved stuff around examining every little corner, I even took my finger and ran it threw all the sand at the bottom thinking to myself "This is not possible it has to be under something, anything." Fear was starting to surface now. I could feel my face getting hot and I yelled for Caden, in the hope that, I don't know somehow my 6 year old can make all of this right! I start looking around my room in horror thinking "O my gosh its out, its in my precious home my sanctuary is being inhabited by a cold blooded snake." A jungle carpet python to be exact.

So I call Ben he is on his way to work, I told him to get home immediately, he kept saying its not a big deal Jenny calm down. I was not calm, my mind went to " well I can go stay in my grandma's basement until this thing is caught." Its not that I'm really afraid that a snake is going to hurt me. Its that I have a Baby and all I can think about is that this snake is cold blooded and it wants to be with things that are warm. What is more warm and snugly than a baby. AHHHH

We went all day not able to locate the snake. I cleaned rooms out. Looked in every corner and every time I saw a black belt or something dark, I felt all scared and shaky. So night came and my anxiety was through the roof. I was worried to put Brynlee in her room. So I went into my room to fall asleep or at least try to and (just so you know Ben is already snoring away not the least bit concerned about the monster loose in our home.) It was then that I heard this big crash!! I jumped out of bed wondering, what on earth could that be. Of course in my mind the snake had grown and i was thinking it was in the kids room terrorising them. (I have a good imagination) I couldn't find anything so I went to lay down again, and crash there was the same sound again. My heart started to race and I hit Ben and said "get up there is something in this house making noises. " So we went out on the prowl, Ben in his I don't care voice said " Here is the snake you have been looking for" So there it was not as big as I had remembered hanging out in the shower on the ledge. He was sticking his tongue out at me I think trying to irritate me. Well so it was over the drama of wondering where the beast could have been. I slept well that night thank goodness. Never again will that happen, I put like 10 books on top of its cage. Ha try to get out now you filthy animal. Ha

Well its been a year since my brother Elder Casey Humphreys has been out on his mission. Alot of stuff has changed since he has been gone. Its so strange how so much stuff can happen in one year. I love my brother so much. He and I have always been very close its been hard to not have him around at this time in our lives. He is serving so diligently. I don't know many men who would be able to stay out on there mission in the midst of there mom dieing. He is the strongest person I know and I am excited that he has brought many people into the gospel. Way to go Casey, I love you.

Girls Weekend

This is our new family we are currently recruiting so let me know if you would like to join. The more the merrier. We like warm fun loving people, that are willing to bear there souls. Secrets are not allowed!!!

Liegh-Anne and I at my Dad's house
Pretty Girls
Shan and Brynlee sharing a moment.
Car time is so fun, we sang, laughed and cried boo hoo.
Shan and Britta

We all went to St.George over last weekend for a girls weekend. It was so much fun. These days of feeling sad alot of the time it sure feels nice to blow off the cares of the world and throw caution to the wind. So we said "see you later alligators to our families" We left on Friday we went shopping, layed by the pool got a tan, we had a big slumber party out in the living room. Going to St. George is always really hard with my mom not being there anymore. I look around and see her everywhere. When we where there with friends laughing and having a good time it filled the house with happiness. It felt really great. I encourage you all to have a big long girls weekend soon.

Halloween

- We are playing BigBudda-

-Ben and I, he was the best Big Budda, for ovious reasons-
Raggity Ann and Indian Princess
Tara being a Greek Godess
My cousin Adam and Tara Jane

I had an Adult Halloween Party at my house, it was so great, we played lots of games and laughed and just acted silly. We played this one game where we had to smash a balloon between your partner and you, when it popped you had to find this little paper that was inside and do what ever it said to do! Me and my cousin michelle popped a balloon together and it said kiss your favorite person so we smacked a big one on each other it was funny. Awww good times.......

MY DREAM

There is a song I listen to often that makes me cry with excitment. I am so excited for my return to see my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. For all my questions to finally be answered. I have so many questions. I want to know why my mom had to be taken at this particular time. I want to know if our prayers are heard by everyone in heaven, like a big microphone. The ones we love up there hear them, and my mom here's and says "there's my Jen praying to our Father, good job Jenny." How often are the ones we love with us comforting us. I want to make it back, and have my Heavenly Father proud of me and say to me " You indured well"

Its hard loosing a loved one on earth it hurts so bad. I constantly ache to see her and want to be with her. So I see her face at the front of the crowd of people awaiting my arrival in heaven. I always wonder what it was like for my mom when she went back home to so many people that missed her so much. To all my children and all there children that haven't even begun this test on earth!

So this is the words to a song I listen to often, while I listen I think of heaven and when I get to be born into the spirit world once again and how that must feel.

I have often dreamed of a far off place. Where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face, and a voice keeps saying this is where i'm ment to be. I will find my way. I can go the distance, i'll be there some day if I can be strong. I know every mile will be worth my while. I don't care how far somehow i'll be strong.