Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Don't Want To Move On!!!

It has been very difficult since my mom passed away almost a year ago, come March 12. We are all having to go about our days. We try to make since of the fact that there is a person missing from our lives. Every morning I wake up and I take a deep breath, I blow out all my air hoping that the pit in my stomach will go away, if I just breath deep enough maybe it will leave?..... it doesn't work. Everyday for almost a year I have felt crazy, I am running around with no direction, I am searching, searching for someone, something a feeling a spiritual experience to make all of this feel better.... I am still looking, there really isn't much that makes it feel better. People say that with time it will feel better, they say "I know you don't want to hear this but it really does get better with time." My family is having to pull up our boot straps and try to move on past the things that are so vivid in our minds about our mom and wife. I keep taking care of my children and husband, doing laundry, changing diapers, doing dishes, fixing dinner. I want to throw everything down and run. It feels like this would help, to run away from my responsibilities, I have a brain though and know that this would only make things worse and I think that my children and Ben are the only reason I'm still sain really.

So in the spirit of moving on my Dad is getting married in a week. This is so hard to think about, and know that my Dad unfortunately has to move on for his own well-being. Its one of those things that must be. I wish my mom hadn't passed away and that all these events had not been set into motion but she did. In trying to pick up the peices and "pull up our boot straps" My brave dad is moving on. What an amazing man, he has done so well in picking up the pieces of his devistated life. He is still very sad and cries often to me, of the pain he feels. He knows that getting married is the right thing to do. He has found a lady in st. george names Teressa, she is nice and cares for people, it will take time but in time I hope we can be good friends.

We all have to do things that are hard....... I pray daily, I'm trying to feel the peaceful feelings of the holy spirit. The Lord is on my side and I know that I don't have to pull up my boot straps alone he is there ever so quietly helping me and guiding me.

8 comments:

Ginnie said...

You know I love you and I'm always thinking of you. I'm always here if you need me. Call me if you need to talk, better yet maybe I should call you ;)

Shannon said...

Wow jenny that was amazing! Couldnt' say it any better myself. It felt like I was reading my own feelings. You are wonderful.

Barb said...

My Jenny, I know, I can hardly believe it's been almost 1 year, I miss her so much! I don't know how we're going to move on but each day goes by and here we are. I love you girls so much and am so proud of you, I'm so glad that my beautiful sister had you all and that she shared you with me, my life would not have been complete without you in it. Love you

Michelle said...

Love you so much Jenny! You guys are all so strong and we think about you and pray for you often! Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Jenny, i love you, you're doing awesome, 1 year down, the future will be so much better, we'll do it together.. love your brother

Mer said...

Jenny-this is Merilee. I hope you don't mind that I read this. It really breaks my heart to hear this and think of what you are going through.
I know it's totally different, but I remember how hard it was when my Dad got remarried after my parents divorce. It is difficult to see them with someone else.
I really admire your strength and faith. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mer said...

hey- yes I live here...my Hayden is 2 1/2. We could get our boys together though..he loves to play with older kids. Let me know. :)

Mer said...

hey it's me again..haha..you can email me...mertru57@gmail.com , leave your phone number or whatever and I'll call you and we can plan when to get together.