Tuesday, December 1, 2009

It was Our Mom's Birthday last week, It is a very hard time of year for all of us. Thanksgiving is

especially hard with her birthday being so close, she used to always be up for her birthday. I have so many wonderful memories of this time of year with her. My brother wrote this note to his family the other night and I felt that he said everything so poetically and lovingly I wanted to post it. I feel this way a lot also. My Brother Casey is a very strong person who has been very strong for all of us. I appreciate him so much!!

I am feeling very deep right now. Life is full of so much. So many decisions. I am frustrated. I have tried to devoted myself and my life to the gospel. My mother got sick, I cried with her,I stood tall as she cried on my shoulder. I shuddered in my room as I heard her cry in pain from afar. I stood by the side of my father as we offered unto her countless blessings. I took my call of duty to service. I had to leave. We cried once again. I served, I did what I was supposed to do. She became worse. I left the vineyard to be by her side. We cried together once more. I left again. I left my dying mother to never see her again in this life. I served the Lord and shared the glad message honorably. I returned home to a changed life. To a motherless life. Things are supposed to work out. Things are supposed to go well. My sacrifice should be recognized. But it is not. This is wrong. I should be thankful. I should be thankful for my trials. But right now I am not. My life would be better if my mom were here. I would be better. I would not feel so alone. I pray that this attitude will change. I pray that I may be worthy of the Spirit to touch and change my heart. I pray that I may stand in holy places and be guided. I pray that there will be those along my path that will recognize my life and challenges. I pray for the day that I will see my mom. My precious Mother. My angel Mother. I miss you so. Words cannot express. Their is a hole. It is everywhere. It grows. it is ever-present. She loved me so much in her mortal life. She offered me so much. My life felt so complete. The pain overwhelms me, but I must go on. I know that if I live worthy, the Lord will bless my life. This is the hope that I hold onto. Right now I feel anger, but hope will always ensue.


Ed and Ivy said...

What day is your Mom's birthday? My brother's birthday was last week as well, the 23rd! And so, I know how you feel...I want so much to celebrate his life but it is so hard when we just wish they were still here with us.

Malisa said...

I love hearing about your mom! You in my prayers this holiday season!